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Joke of the Day (Read 106329 times)
formercrewguy
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Joke of the Day
09/18/08 at 11:08am
 


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY  

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.  The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.  The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the
bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'









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"99% of Muslims aren't terrorists, but 99% of terrorists are Muslim"
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #1 - 09/18/08 at 12:40pm
 
roflmfao. thats some funny $h!t right there. thanks formercrewguy
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #2 - 09/18/08 at 12:52pm
 
Subject: Obama and The Little Girl > > >  Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to
> her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if  you > strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' > > The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and  said > to Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?' > >  'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make
> to America? ....and he smiles. > > 'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. > > But let me ask you a  question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat > the same stuff --  grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow > turns out a flat  patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
> you  suppose that is?' > > Obama, visibly surprised by the little  girl's intelligence, thinks about > it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' > > To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel  qualified to change > America, when you don't know chit?'
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #3 - 09/18/08 at 2:18pm
 
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #4 - 09/18/08 at 3:12pm
 
GOOD JOKE.....


John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead, Cindy doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #5 - 09/18/08 at 7:58pm
 
Friends vs. Southern Friends



FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.



FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.



FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Cry with you.



FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.



FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.



FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm here!'



FRIENDS: will visit you in jail

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you???




FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night

with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial  

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS: have your number memorized



FRIENDS: Are for a while.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.



FRIENDS: Would ignore this.

SOUTHERN  FRIENDS:  Will forward this to all their other Southern Friends

Which one are you?



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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #6 - 09/18/08 at 8:23pm
 
IF THIS DOES  NOT  BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO BACK
TO BED.

Why do we love children?


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of wha t he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the
hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school . 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

HAVE A  NICE  DAY, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU GOT OUT OF BED!!

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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #7 - 09/21/08 at 3:59pm
 
 
TALKING CLOCK
 
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new  apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.



 
      'What's that big brass gong?' one of the  guests asked.
         
        'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the  drunk replied.    
   
     'A talking clock?      Seriously?'
          asked his  astonished friend.  

         'Yup,' replied the drunk.
         
     'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
 
   'Watch,' the drunk replied.

      He picked up  the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.     .

       The three stood looking at one another for a  moment.......

       Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

     'You a$$hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #8 - 09/23/08 at 11:39am
 
Three New Navy Ships


USS REAGAN

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!


When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability


Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft  
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3.  Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200  pounds
5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet  
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel  
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3.  18,150 meals served daily
4.  Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5.  Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6.  14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7.  Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation  
8.  Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

USS BILL CLINTON

The USS William Jefferson Clint on (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC


The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.  
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive.  The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.  
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .

USS  BARACK OBAMA



White House Press Secretary Jesse Jackson issued the following: 'This technological wonder is powered by the newest model Briggs & Stratton three horsepower engine and environmentally friendly hand paddles. Extra large white flags are ready to deploy at a moments notice. Government scientists are also working on top secret 'retro sails' which will allow this ship to make the fastest retreat of any ship in history'

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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #9 - 09/28/08 at 1:56pm
 
Subject: pay increase

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: '
Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.
'Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!!!
Grin Shocked Huh
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #10 - 09/28/08 at 2:45pm
 
Presidential candidate, Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and

he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion

related to words and their

meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like

to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious

democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a

'tragedy'.



One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a

farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,

that would be a tragedy.



'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.



A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.



'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great

loss.



The room went silent. No other children volunteered.



Obama searched the room.



'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'



Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a

quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was

struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would

be a tragedy.



'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right.



And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'



'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a freaking

accident either.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #11 - 09/28/08 at 5:17pm
 
Obama's entire  platformis about Change !



What dose CHANGE stand for ?



Come Help A Negro Get Elected !
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #12 - 09/28/08 at 10:38pm
 


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

( NOW I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY!)

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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #13 - 09/29/08 at 1:45pm
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.


'Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.


'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.


The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.


'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'


'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.


'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.


'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.


The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.


With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called the Exorcist.'


'I am shocked son,' said John.  'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'


The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.


Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!'


With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair.
Cheesy Grin
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #14 - 09/29/08 at 9:40pm
 


GOLF BALL SALE








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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #15 - 09/30/08 at 12:51pm
 
A cowboy walks into a bar
and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck,' he
says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter
approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?'


The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan

'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,
because 'It Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the
bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the
cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud,
what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile,
'TIMEX..'

The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?'

The fella
proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!'

A little
shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a

fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first
man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.'
Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford
lately?' The guy next to him then says,
'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink!

Even more
shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for
his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name
of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'


The bartender begins to
pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'



The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!!!
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #16 - 10/01/08 at 6:38am
 
HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'    (This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."  

 ========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

  ========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.

  ========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #17 - 10/06/08 at 8:18pm
 
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #18 - 10/06/08 at 9:13pm
 
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.




The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."
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Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #19 - 10/08/08 at 4:32pm
 
hahahahah


thats funny!
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My wallets empty, and my unemployed neighbor just bought a new car, must be a democrate in the white house
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We have a Fraud in
the White House.

Posts: 2848

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #20 - 10/08/08 at 6:32pm
 
LOLOLOLHAHAHA, THAT IS DANG FUNNY-and probably true.lol,JUst a joke people.
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Kdawg33A
Ex Member




Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #21 - 10/09/08 at 10:28pm
 
About Troopergate
mudslinger47 wrote on 10/09/08 at 10:05pm:
Man, there just havin' a heck of a time finding any dirt on Palin, aren't they.  How many times has this one been drivin down the pike?   LOL  Losers



Duane

LOL so loud I scared the Cat!!!
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