Sarah Palin,

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.


Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wifes and daughters.


What a lady! That Sarah is such a good sport and thinks of everything!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking
people in  Florida ..

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win
situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to  New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the  Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes,' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? 'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

Pearson_79 wrote on 02/13/09 at 9:40pm:



I have seen this before, way cool how we all can read REDNECK language ,,, LOL

LOVE THAT LAST LINE,,, A Democrat must be behind this, LOL

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word
'service':

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Cable 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Federal, State, County & City Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those 'service'
agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Have you ever wondered if any of the 1$ bills in your wallet were once in a stripper's butt crack?.......................lol

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



            ***********************



1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.



2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?



1st woman: I froze to death.



2nd woman: How horrible!



1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I

began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What

about you?



2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I



suspected that my > husband was cheating, so I came home early to

catch him in the act. But  instead, I found him all by himself in the

den watching TV.



1st woman: So, what happened?



2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that

I  started running all over the house looking.



I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then

I  went through  every closet and checked under all the beds.



I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so

exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.



1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---



we'd both still be  alive.



PRICELESS!

Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe In ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.  'Well, that's a good start.Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'  About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.  Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.  'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'  Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.  Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.  The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to  a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'  The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room,  the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!!  From way back there I thought you said 'Goats!'

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the
backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the
running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the "piece of nuts" lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe
2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.

My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those "piece of nuts"
chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

darn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my
balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104
degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.

The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas.

It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire

had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a

seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed

together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,

because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average

yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!)


That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
     

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy cow!" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"