A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

History 101 (Crash course)

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as theConservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

A very successful personal injury attorney parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off his driver's door. Fortunately, an officer in a police car was close enough to see it happen and pulled up behind the accident, his lights flashing.
     
     But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming about how his Porsche, which just came out of the showroom yesterday, was now completely ruined and would never be the same.
     
     After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.  "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in your life."
     
     "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
     
     The cop replied, "Don't you realize that your left arm is missing?  It got ripped off when the truck sideswiped you!!!"
     
     'HOLY CRAP !" screamed the lawyer... "MY ROLEX!" =

                                     DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado; following are the 2008 Darwin awards:



Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.



Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Poop happens'!!!!

*IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...*

Two magazines:
Country Living (95.99% white readership) and
Ebony/Jet (99.99% black readership)
did surveys on .....
'WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?'
The results were interesting, to say the least..
Country Living magazine's top three answers were:
    1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
    2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness.
    3. Terminal illness/self.  
         
Ebony/Jet magazine's top three answers were:
    1. Ghosts
    2. Dogs
    3. Registered mail
No Kidding!
           
AND TO GO WITH THIS ONE:  
 TWO QUOTES:
ONE PITIFUL, ONE GOOD
'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'
                             -- Barack Obama
                                           
''Life's tough......it's even tougher if you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne


Ya gotta admit, John Wayne is absolutely correct!      

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'.....    

 

My 75 year-old friend in North Carolina forwarded this to me!

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Ti tanic:... . Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing  

Nymphomania  Convention  

A man boarded an airplane and took  his seat. As he settled in, he  glanced  up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she  was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the  seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,  "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going  to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in   Boston. "

He  swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next  to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to  maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this  convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned  from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about  sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"  

"Well," she explained,  one  popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all  men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to  possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the  best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.  

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina  is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be  discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."  

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba."  

A good Monday morning laugh, which we probably could all use.

After I retired , my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
boring so I had to amuse myself in some way while my wife did what
most women like to do - browse at a leisurely pace.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Dunnigan,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Dunnigan are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used I t as
a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humm
ing the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'

> Camel Sex

> > A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a
> remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of
> the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
> > He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

> > The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know,
> there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
> > The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone
> this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can
> stay.'

> > About a month later, the Captain starts having his own
> 'urges'.  Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the
> camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

>  When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how
> the men do it?' 'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'


And then the fight started ...