Last week a baby boy was born.  The doctor rushed the baby to the O.R.  This poor boy was born with no eye lids.  A skin graft had to be performed quickly to save the childs vision.  The child was going to be circumsizesd anyway so they used the forskin for the graft.  The child had to stay at the hospital an additional two weeks to recover.  When the mother was finally able to take the child home, the doctors said he should recover fully, but there was a strong chance that for the rest of his life he would be a little cockeyed.

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.


Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.


Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day !!

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,  Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style." > The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN??


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this..



'You got Male!'

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.  

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."  

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.  

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.  

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.  

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.  

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

TODAY'S SERMON





An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks u p the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.

Our Press
     
     Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant  were captured by terrorists in Iraq.  The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.  Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'  The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.  Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
     
     Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song.  The Moon and Me, one last time.'
     The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music.  He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.  Gibson was satisfied.
     
     

     Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.  I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.  Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'  The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.  He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
     
     

     The leader turned and said, 'and now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?  'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.  'What?' asked the leader, 'will you mock us in your last hour?'  'No, I'm NOT kidding.  I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.  So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.  The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.  In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.  In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.  As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?  Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'  'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?
     
     

     Semper Fi

JUST WANTED ALL TO KNOW THAT I TRIED TO POST A JOKE THIS MORNING AND GOT A BIG RED FLAG WARNING THAT I WAS A SPAM POSTER, AND TO STOP OR I WOULD BE BANNED FROM THIS WEB SITE.  GUESS I HAVE POSTED TOO MANY IN THE PAST, SO THANKS ITS BEEN FUN, AND I WILL NO LONGER POST ON THIS WEB PAGE...GUESS THE ADMINISTRATOR HAS DETERMINED THAT MY STUFF IS SPAM, OR THE MODERATOR OR SOMEBODY...THANKS..DON

Dont shoot the messenger!!!!!

A Mexican, a Black, & a Texas Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

  "I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of you, you may have a wish a piece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

   The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ."

   Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

   The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

   Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

   Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

   The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea & watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said:

   "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ehud Olmert, the leader
of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Olmert wants
to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man
named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer
to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Olmert as your personal
representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored
and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your
Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty
terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must've
been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, and my putting was
absolutely perfect.With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"And there's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."