Subject: Fw: That's how the fight started



> >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

> >> $14.95.

> >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the

> >> beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

> >> And that's how the fight started.



******************************************************************

> >> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

> >> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

> >> driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

> >> realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was

> >> very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The

> >> woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

> >> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

> >> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When

> >> I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

> >> Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your

> >> pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

> >> And that's how the fight started.....

> > ******************************************************************

> >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

> >> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone

> >> at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

> >> 'Yes,' I sighed,

> >> 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right

> >> after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been

> >> sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person

> >> could go on celebrating that long?'

> >> And that's how the fight started.....



******************************************************************

> >> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

> >> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

> >> sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

> >> funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He

> >> stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

> >> HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one

> >> are you?'

> >> And that's how the fight started.....

> >>

> > ******************************************************************

> >> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

> >> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He

> >> said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for

> >> herself.'

> >> And that's how the fight started.....

A small zoo in Ohio obtained a very rare species of
> gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became
> very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian
> determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make
> matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
>
> Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper
> thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker
> responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like
> most rednecks, had little sense
> but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of
> any species.
>
> The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
> Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be
> willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00 ?
>
> Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would
> have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,
> he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
> under five conditions:
>
> "First", Bobby Lee said, "I
> ain't g onna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
> quickly agreed to this condition.
>
> "Second", he said, "She must wear a
> 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper
> again readily agreed to this condition.
>
> "Third", he said, "you can't
> never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily
> agreed to this condition.
>
> "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want
> all the children raised Baptist." Once again it was
> agreed.
>
> "And last," Bobby Lee said,
> "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.

The $500 Nightgown



A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his

wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price --

The more sheer, the higher the price.  Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea.  It's so sheer that it might

as well be nothing.  I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,

and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'



1. He never heard the shot.



2. Funeral on Thursday at Noon.



3. The coffin, Closed

Ain't this the truth
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in
Nevada for tax evasion. As required by law, they tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.  Now we are supposed to trust the economy of our
country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money
running a who-re house and selling booze.

How's the federal government doing with the bailout?  Think about this:

Back in 1990's, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.  They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whorehouse and
selling booze?

CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING OR STOP IT AND SOLVE THE DEFICIT!!!!!!!!
Less government is GOOD!!!
More government control will be EVIL!!!

Didn't need to know that,lolol. Wisdom in everything. lol

Important Announcement....

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of   electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience

recent hiring in texas
A MAN HAD APPLIED TO BE A DEPUTY SHERIFF AND AFTER A COUPLE OF INTERVIEWS HE WAS CALLED IN TO MEET THE SHERIFF ONE MORE TIME. WHEN HE WAS GREETED BY THE SHERIFF THE SHERIFF HANDED HIM A PISTOL WITH 13 BULLETS. HE THEN TOLD THE MAN THAT HIS FINAL TEST WAS TO TAKE THE PISTOL AND SHOOT 6 ILLEGAL IMMAGRANTS, 6 OBAMA SUPPORTERS, AND 1 RABBIT. THE MAN ASKED "WHY THE RABBIT"?.   HE WAS HIRED IMMEDIATLY

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.  

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.