A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in   California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"  
Bud  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"  
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the  area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .   Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car..
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.

HOT OFF THE SPORTS DESK AFTER QUALIFYING....

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew
 
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
 
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment , whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.  It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.  However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
 
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme , altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr . for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

IF GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS WORK AT HOOTERS DOES THAT MEAN THAT GIRLS WITH ONE LEG WORK AT IHOP???

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning and told OBAMA
that
two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.  To everyone's surprise, all
the color drained from Obama's face.  Then he collapsed onto his desk,
head
in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.  Finally, he composed
himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is especially enlightening since he obviously has no understanding
of
a billion or trillion either.

Irish Joke


Two women were sitting next to each other at a  bar.



After awhile, one looks at the other and says,


'I can't help but think, from listening to you,  that you're from Ireland .'


The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, that I  am!'


The first one says, 'So am I! And where about  from Ireland might you be'?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I  am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I. Sure and what  street did you live on in
Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it  was.

I lived on McCleary Street in the old central  part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small  world.

So did I! So did I! And to what school would you  have been going?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to St.  Mary's, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says,

'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you  graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I  graduated in 1964.

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be  smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up  in the same pub tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's  in 1964 my own self!'

About this time,  A friend, Vicky walks into the bar, sits  down and orders
a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
mutters,'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'



Brian answers, 'The McLaughlin twins are drunk  again.'

It was Postman Dave's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted bythe whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him onhis way with a gift check for  $500.At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18- carat goldbox.The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blewhis mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where  the blonde fixed him agiant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage,  toast, and freshly-squeezedorange juice....When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee..As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup'sbottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words, "he said, "butwhat's the five dollars for?""Well," said  the blonde, "last night, I told my husband thattoday would be your last  day, and that we should do something special for you.I asked him what  to give you".He said, "Screw him. Give him five bucks."She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."      

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:







Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

JIM AND EDNA
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news
is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have
concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry."
"How soon can I go home?"

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take kidneys out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

     
     A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

     
     The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

     
     An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind.  We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois; put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

A Man and his ever nagging wife went on a vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5000 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
 The man thought about it and then he said he would just have her sent home. The undertaker then asked "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and it would only cost you $150?"
 The man replied "Long ago a man died here,was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance"


Thanks Woolie!!!!!!!!!!!

: Forrest Gump, fisherman.



Forrest wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, he headed for the ice.

After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a  circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."  Startled, Forrest moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
 Forrest, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end  of the ice. He set up his stool once more and tried again to cut a hole..

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 He stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."