DOCTOR LESTER'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the nuts out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

These are cute even if your not a grandparent...



Being a Grandparent...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After
she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But
Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'   I will probably
never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
paper good-bye!!

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'  He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.  Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was
THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our
pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'  The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?'  I mentally polished my halo and I said,
'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor.  She told him she was writing a story.  'What's it about?' he
asked. 'I don't know,' she replied.  'I can't read.

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it
was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I
continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm
not sure.'  'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised.  'Mine says
I'm four to six.'


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today.'   The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,'
replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said
a teacher.  The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.'  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  'Don't you
know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'


12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the
dog's duties.  'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck ..'   A third child brought
the argument to a close.  'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find
the fire hydrants!'


Thanks Woolie!!!!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.  

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.  
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'nuts!', the Rottweiler ate her!  
The teacher had to leave the room.

THIS ONE'S FOR ALL YOU RELIGIOUS TYPES ON HERE>>>> OFFENSE NOT INTENDED>>>>>Kevin


> This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in
> awhile!
>
>
>
>
>  Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who
> was better on the computer. They had been going at it for
> days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the
> bickering.
>
>
>
>
>  Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had
> enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two
> hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the
> better job.'
>
>
>
>
>  So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed
> away.
>
>
>
>
>  They moused.
>
>
>
>
>  They faxed.
>
>
>
>
>  They e-mailed.
>
>
>
>
>  They e-mailed with attachments.
>
>
>
>
>  They downloaded.
>
>
>
>
>  They did spreadsheets!
>
>
>
>
>  They wrote reports.
>
>
>
>
>  They created labels and cards.
>
>
>
>
> They created charts and graphs.
>
>
>
>
>  They did some genealogy reports .
>
>
>
>
>  They did every job known to man.
>
>
>
>
>  Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster
> than hell.
>
>
>
>
>  Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
> suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
> poured, and, of course, the power went off.
>
>
>
>
>  Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
> word known in the underworld.
>
>
>
>
>  Jesus just sighed.
>
>
>
>
>  Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them
> restarted their computers. Satan started searching
> frantically, screaming:
>
>
>
>
>  'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost
> everything when the power went out!'
>
>
>
> Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his
> files from the past two hours of work.
>
>
>
> Satan observed this and became irate.
>
>
>
> 'Wait!' he screamed.. 'That's not fair! He
> cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have
> any?'
>
>
>
> God just shrugged and said,
>
>
>
>
>  
>
>
>
>
> JESUS SAVES....

A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When

The postal authorities received the letter to God ,  USA ,
they decided to send it to the President

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through
Washington   D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.




A modern day cowboy has spent many

days crossing the Texas plains without

water.

His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain

that he has breathed his last breath,

when all of a sudden he sees an object

sticking out of the sand several yards

ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of

the sand, and discovers what looks to be

an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But

this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing

a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management

Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She

has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well,

cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy...

'I'm  not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a

goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute,

and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with

plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***


The cowboy finds himself in the most

beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and

he is surrounded with jugs of wine and

platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond

my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by

treasure chests filled with rare gold coins

and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more

wish.  Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the

cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go,

beautiful women will want and need me.'


*** POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:


If the government offers to

help you, there's going to be

a string attached.

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, are they all yours? Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?  They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes it makes it easier.

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'




'Then

        I

           call

                 them

                          by

                              their

                                     last

                                            names. '

Nice one!

DO YOU FART IN BED?


THIS IS ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE
IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS
PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS
DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS , NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER
AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS , AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS
SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER
YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER
LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND
I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I
GOT MOST OF THEM BACK

I Can't believe I am about to post a cat video.....But this you gotta see. completely safe for work.

http://www.break.com/index/dissapointed-cat-loses-pigeon.html

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.  Your taxes are due
again--enjoy paying them.