CATHOLIC HORSES

One  day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch  noticed a priest who stepped out onto the  track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that  horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the  next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch  watched with interest the old priest step  onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race  horses came to the starting gate the priest  made a blessing on the forehead of one of the  horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window  and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the  horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and  anxiously waited to see which horse the priest  would bless for the 6th race. The priest again  blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it  won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long  shot horses, and each one ended up coming in  first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some  serious money. By the last race, he knew his  wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a  quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,  and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him  which horse to bet on.

True to his  pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for  the last race and blessed the forehead of an  old nag that was the longest shot of the day.  Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,  ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had  a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old  nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old  nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock,  made his way down to the track area where the  priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,  'Father! What happened?

All day long you  blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last  race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent  of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest  nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he  said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,  you can't tell the difference between a simple  blessing and last  rites.'

S.W.I.N.E. Flu

Stupid ??whiteboys?? Infecting Nearly Everyone

change the White Boys and you got a funny arse joke!!!

LOL, He Said it.........

PONDERISMS


.      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most  
people die of natural causes.

.      Life is sexually transmitted.

.      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

.      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

.      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

.      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in  
hospitals dying of nothing.

.      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no  
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

.      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

.      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no  
attention to criticism.

.      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now  
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

.      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it  
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

.      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think  
I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

.      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song  
about him?

.      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if  
they are going to look at you naked anyway?

.      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from  
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

.      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

.      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive  
faster?

.      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

.      Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?=

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends
>> all of their lives.
>> >
>> >
>> > When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited
>> her every day.
>> > One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing
>> women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
>> Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven somehow you must let me
>> know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
>> >
>> >
>> > Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said,
>> 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.
>> If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
>> >
>> > Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
>> >
>> > At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened
>> from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
>> calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
>> >
>> > 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.
>> 'Who is it?'
>> >
>> > 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,'
>> insisted the voice.
>> >
>> > 'Rose! Where are you?'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some
>> really good news and a little bad news.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
>> >
>> > The good news,' Rose said, 'is that
>> there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who
>> died before us, are here too. Better than that, we're all young
>> again.
>> >
>> > Better still, it's always springtime, and it never
>> rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want,
>> and we never get tired.'
>> >
>> > 'That's fantastic,' said Barb.
>> 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'
>> >
>> >
>> > 'You're pitching Tuesday.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Life is short...
>> > So remember to live well & laugh often!

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,
'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll  see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
  Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
 We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could  have put dem back on and made you like new!
 Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

formercrewguy wrote on 05/06/09 at 10:54am:




LMAO

 Years  of  Math
 1957  - 2009

Last  week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter  girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8  cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there,  holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on  her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to  just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help.  While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood  there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the  evolution in teaching math since the  1950s:

1.  Teaching Math In 1950s

A  logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of  production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit  ?

2.  Teaching Math In 1960s

A  logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of  production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his  profit?

3.  Teaching Math In 1970s

A  logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of  production is $80. Did he make a  profit?
!  
4. Teaching Math In  1980s

A  logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of  production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

5.  Teaching Math In 1990s

A  logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and  inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or  the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a  profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How  did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their  homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying,  it's ok. )

6.  Teaching Math In 2009

Un  hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la  producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha  hecho?      
 
 

I found this paragraph in a real article about galaxies. I guess they have found a couple galaxies that orbit our own, which in turn sort of "negates" some of Newton's work. Anyway read this I thought it was funny.

Quote:


http://www.dailygalaxy.com/my_weblog/2009/05/dwarf-galaxies-orbiting-the-milky-w...

LOL,,

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”