My 80 year old neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her.

"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

DOCTORS
(A)   The number of physicians in the U.S. is


700,000.


 


(B)   Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are   120,000.


 

(C)   Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.


 

Statistics courtesy of U.S.. Dept of
Health and Human Services.  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  


 


Now think about this:

Guns


 


(A)   The number of gun owners in the U.S.    
is 80,000,000.  
(Yes, that's 80 million)


 

(B)   The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is
1,500.  


 


(C)   The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner is    
.000188.


 


Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>    


 


So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  


 


Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do..'

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


 


FACT:   NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT    
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  


 


Please alert your friends  
to this
alarming threat.


 


We must ban doctors  

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on  

 lawyers


 


for fear the shock would cause  

people to panic and seek medical attention!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





 

THE  GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put  everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane  prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that  'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big  scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays  up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed  this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a  muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I  asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on  the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I  am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear)  the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well,  sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up,  pregnant dog

LOVE IT,,,ITS GOOD TO RESPECT YOUR NEIGHBORS WISH'S,,,LMAO

Fox News cowers to President Obama!!!

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
Enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced
That they will now air "  America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizers
Were invented, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow
it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.

Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport), which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term!

POINTS TO PONDER ON


IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?
________________________________________
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
________________________________________
HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
________________________________________
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"?  WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
________________________________________
ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
________________________________________
WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
________________________________________
WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
________________________________________
HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
________________________________________
WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
________________________________________
WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
________________________________________
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
________________________________________
WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?
THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
________________________________________
WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
________________________________________
WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
________________________________________
IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
________________________________________
CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?
________________________________________
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
________________________________________
WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?
THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
________________________________________
IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?  
________________________________________
IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
________________________________________
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
________________________________________
DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
________________________________________
WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
________________________________________
WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN AS-TEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE
HE-MISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HE-MORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
________________________________________
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
________________________________________
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

ENEMIES

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
> Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have
> forgiven your enemies?'
> 80% held up their hands.
> The Minister then repeated his question.
> All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
> 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
> I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
> 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
> 'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
> 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
> person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
> The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
> faced the congregation, and said:
>
> 'I outlived the bitches.'
>
>
>

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter inthe world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first rate and that there must be
something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an
elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of
being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great
ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for
one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster
a little lower down on your leg..'

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out
his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy, 'Got anymore tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man, 'Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano
player.

'Wow!' said the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here - got
anymore tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of
the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun,
handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young
man.

'No,' said the old timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done
playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up you're
ass, and it won't hurt as much.

To Be 6 Again....

 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park What a day!  
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster , everything
there was.

 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling  and her stomach felt upside down.

   
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her aHappy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

   
Then it was off  to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dork!!!!'

   
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.


MEN WILL NEVER BE RIGHT...JMOO...Don