Why don't blind people skydive?




Scares the he!! out of the dog.

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.  I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.  The young guy says, That's OK.  It's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.  I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?' I said ......  'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most of us Old Guys are helpful like that.

I saw a tabloid headline today at Stater Bros that said Obama is gay, but I can't say anything about it until I check it out on Snoops.

I am trying to figure out which one is slanderous and unreliable, the tabloid for printing it or Stator Bros for putting it on their rack (spreading the word)

Thanks Duane!!!!!!

IF YOUTUBE EXISTED BACK THEN

Subject: why you should always get a second opinion



Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.. When he left the hospital, he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Kevin Johnson got a job.

Darrell Hughes II wrote on 06/08/09 at 9:32pm:

LMAO

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched
straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE Drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a  job.'



The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beauti ful daughter.



You'll have to drive  around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to  escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips.



This is rather awkward  to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her  sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong sex  drive.



A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located
above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
$200,000 a year.'



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're  bullshittin' me!



The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started  it. '

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Hey bouncer --- did you copy and past my joke (#345 above) ???????  Ya musta really liked it huh ..........LOL