BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

A BLONDE PARTY GIRL WAS DROPPING OF A DRESS SHE HAD WORE THE NIGHT BEFORE AT THE DRY CLEANERS..........ON HER WAY OUT THE DOOR THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SHOUTED OUT "COME AGAIN" AND THE BLONDE REPLYED.......NO THIS TIME ITS TOOTHPASTE!!!!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
=0 A

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board20and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson an d I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'


This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

Wal-Mart Cake

It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this really did happen.

This was a cake for someone who was moving from
an insurance claims office.








Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee:   'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.
'Walmart Employee:  'What you want on de cake?'
Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.


STOP LAUGHING!    
You just can't fix stupid!!!

  While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
 
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?...........

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

                                 Traffic ticket $95.00
                                 Court costs $45.00
                                 Look on the cops face ....Priceless
                                 For everything else, there's Mastercard

A blond is speeding down the road. She is pulled over by a female blond police officer.
The cop says,"your drivers license please".
The blond driver is extremely nervous and says "What does it look like?"
The cop said "It`s rectangular and it has your picture on it."
Still fumbling through her purse,the nervous blond driver found a mirror and looking at it she said "this must be it".
She hands it to the blond cop and the cop looks at it and says,

OH I DIDN`T REALIZE YOU WERE A POLICE OFFICES,HAVE A NICE DAY.

Ha, Ha,   Thanks Woolie!...

That's no joke!

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was
> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>
> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
> he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
> doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
> are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer
> can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
>
> The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
> smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a
> cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
> me..'
>
> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
> beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>  
> '5'
>
> ( you'll love this..)
>
> At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his
> legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
> Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West
> Virginia ....and Washington DC

Teachers VS Policeman - Better Sense of Humor


     

     Teachers:

     
     These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.  All these teachers were reprimanded, but some of their comments are really funny!

     
     1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
         started to dig.
     
     2. I would not allow this student to breed.
     
     3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
     
     4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
     
     5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
         achieve them.
     
     6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold
         it all together.
     
     7. This child has been working with glue too much.
     
     8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
     
     9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
         coming.

     10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice      

           a week.
     
     11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
           1,000,000 others!
     
     12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
     
     Cops:

     
     These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.  Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!
     
     16. “You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
            went through.”
     
     15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll      

            stretch after you wear them a while.'
     
     14. “If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
            a worthless document.”
     
     13. “If you run, you'll only go to jail, tired.”
     
     12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the
            speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.”
     
     11. “You don't know how fast yo u were going?  I guess that means I  

            can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
     
     10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
           will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?”
     
     9. “Warning!  You want a warning?  OK, I'm warning you not to do that
          again or I'll give you another ticket.”
     
     8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are  

          drunk or not…  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
     
     7. “Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you  go
          to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in  

          monkey nuts.”
     
     6. “Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a  

          toaster oven.”
     
     5. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
     
     4. “How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?”
     
     3. “No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're
      &nb sp;   allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
     
     2. “I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
          yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail!”
     
     AND THE WINNER IS...
     
     1. “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right… we
          don't.  Sign here!”    (In Calif.)

WHY DID MICHAEL JACKSON LIKE TWENTYNINE YEAR OLDS????
BEACUSE THERE WAS TWENTY OF THEM!!!!!