A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks.

His new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, "What's wring with your
knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked..

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that
only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me" she said, "Let me guess...






Smallcox

WHAT IS BUST DUST........



What, you ask, is 'butt dust?'

Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked, "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.

Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.

Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good  night.

"I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.

She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.

Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How  does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.

"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.

Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.

When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied,

"I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.

His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city

but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."  

Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...


This particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles!  

Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
     
      A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
      special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every
      Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out
      for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his
      granddaughter.
     
      One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really
     didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came
     to the rescue and said that she would take
      theirgranddaughter out.
     
     When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs
     to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride
     with grandma?'
     
     'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you
     know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy
     s*** head anywhere we went today!'
     
     Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

An eskimos car breaks down in Iowa.
Mechanic says,"you blew a seal".
Eskimo say,"So what,you f@#k sheep!"

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to
keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."  

He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."

This is something to think about when negative people are
doing their best
to
rain on your parade ... so remember this story the next time
someone who
knows
nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for
a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're
crazy
to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great
rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late.
So,
where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's
Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it¹s gonna be
something=2 0special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see
the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You, and a million
other people
trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to
need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked
her
about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we
on time in one
of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us
up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job,
and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked,
so
they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into
his private
room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
door and sho ok
my
hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who messed up your hair?"

New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor


In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop..

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

Wooliebuger1 wrote on 07/27/09 at 7:33pm:



LOL

This one has probably already been played here...but I liked it anyway!!

Phone Call........a great one !


 **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
 
 
**'Hello?'**

 
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**
 
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you have n't got an Uncle Paul.'**
 
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
 
Brief Pause.
 
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
 
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**  
 
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
 
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
 
**'And what happened, honey?' **
 
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
 
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
 
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

 
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
 
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
 
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
 
*****Long Pause*****
 

*****Longer Pause*****
 
 
*****Even Longer Pause*****
 

**Then Daddy says,**
 
**'Swimming pool? .............**

 
**Is this 486-5731?'*
 

 
**No, I think you have the wrong number........

W1CK3D R4C1NG wrote on 07/29/09 at 7:53am:



10-4

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when
he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs
her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of
the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this
was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the
lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I
felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this
story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what
political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. . Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the liberal news media's approach
to the news these days.