Surprise!


Gun Control
 Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.  Then, in the silence, he started to
 slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

 Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

 Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:  ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

VATICAN   HUMOUR  
After  getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and  he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still  standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your  Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we  can  leave?'
 
'Well,  to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at  the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive  today.'
 
'I'm  sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my  job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver,  wishing he'd never gone to work that  morning..
 
'Who's  going to tell?' says the Pope with a  smile.
 
Reluctantly,  the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the  wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting  the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205  kph.. (Remember, the Pope is  German..)
 
'Please  slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope  keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear  sirens.
 
'Oh,  dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the  driver.
 
The  Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,  but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,  and gets on the  radio.
 
'I  need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the  dispatcher.
 
The  Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a  limo going 205  kph.
 
'So  bust him,' says the  Chief.
 
'I  don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the  cop.
 
The  Chief exclaimed,' All the more  reason!'
 
'No,  I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of  persistence.
 
The  Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the  mayor?'
Cop:  'Bigger.'
 
Chief:  ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'    
 
Chief:  'The Prime Minister?'
Cop:  'Bigger.'
 
'Well,'  said the Chief, 'who is  it?'
 
Cop:  'I think it's  God!'
 
The  Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's  God?'
 
Cop:  'His chauffeur is the  Pope!'

FOR THOS OF US WHO HAVE A LITTLE SEASONING ON TIME
[b][/b]Subject: Two Olds Guys Chatting
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV.
Other guy responded:
Wow, that's amazing!
Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!
First guy:
Yup, Socks, Underwear and Viagra!

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?



Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"







"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

And they Reproduce

                                            Number One Idiot of 2008

             I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants  I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to
bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison
to eat in order to kill the ants.
             I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
emergency room right away.

                         Here's your sign, lady.. Wear it with pride.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                         Number Two Idiot
of 2008

             Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated.  They are no longer employed at
Boeing.

                         Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the
paint might run.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                       Number Three Idiot
of 2008

             A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.'  While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window..  So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
             After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America.
             Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.

                         Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                  Number Four Idiot of 2008

             A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

             After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a
bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'  The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At
this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk.
             The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag..  The robber then ran from the
store with his loot.
             The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber
two hours later.

                         This guy definitely needs a sign.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                         Idiot Number Five
of 2008

             A pair of  Michigan   robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers.
             The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

                         This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                       Idiot Number Six of
2008

                          Arkansas    : Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
             So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.. The whole event was caught
on videotape.

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                       Idiot Number Seven
of 2008

             I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ).  We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
             The reason:  'Too many deer are being hit by cars out 'ere!  -
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                         STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they
REPRODUCE...!!

 

Subject: ObamaCare


TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE:

     (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

     (9) Directions to your doctor's office are "Take a left when you
     enter the trailer park."

     (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

     (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

     (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple
     a day."

     (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
     Goodwill last month.

     (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,"
     is not a error.

     (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

     (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


     AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:


     (1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct
     Tape.

Logic 101

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I
quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112
deaths , that gives a firearm death rate of  60 per 100,000 soldiers.

"The firearm death rate in Washington , D.C. Is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period.

That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in
the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US ,
than you are in Iraq "

Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington

Objectivity

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was  leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says
to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, 'My bike.'


Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone elses
bicycle!

Dear employee:







As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that

Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will
increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would
have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right
now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of
our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we
are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.




So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found sixty

'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks
will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach
this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them. I will see the rest of
you at the annual company picnic.

SHOULD BE POSTED SO ALL SCHOOL KIDS CAN READ:

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!                                
                                                                           
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.          
                                                                           
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You    
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.            
                                                                           
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.      
                                                                           
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents    
had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.      
                                                                           
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.                                            
                                                                           
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are  
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and  
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you  
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try  
delousing the closet in your own room.                                    
                                                                           
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life  
HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll  
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't  
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life..                  
                                                                           
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
your own time..                                                            
                                                                           
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs and earn their way through life, and  
not depend on others.                                                      
                                                                           
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have  a lot of money between them, they could only raise the  staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out  with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any  money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow  me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints  of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how  much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any  money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have  a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll  stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your  knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more  drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't  think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees  are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't  even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.