Great Joke DT !!!!!





You're an EXTREME Redneck  when....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.  

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling  fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.  

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

> The Divorced Barbie Doll
>
> One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
> remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
>
> He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one
> of those Barbie¢s in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do
> you mean, Sir?
>
> We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
> Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
> Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
> $265.95.
>
> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
> and the others only $19.95?
>
> The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
> Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
> Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
>

18racr wrote on 10/26/08 at 10:01am:


Now thats funny! and also true! LMAO

JUST TAKE 2,,,LMAO

BigMikes I LOVE THAT JOKE!!!

I had forgotten about it though!!

LMAO...HOW LONG?

Three men show up at the pearly gates at the exact same time. St. Peter says there's only room for one today, and the spot will go to the man whose death was most bizarre.

The first man said he suspected his wife was cheating, so he came home early one day to catch her. His wife was naked, but he couldn't find the other guy. Then he saw fingers holding onto the edge of the balcony. He got a hammer and started hitting the fingers. Finally the guy let go, fell, and landed in a tree. He wasn't dead, so the man ran to the kitchen, wheeled his refrigerator to the edge of the balcony, and pushed it over onto the guy in the tree. The exertion of pushing the refrigerator was just too much, so the man had a heart attack and died.

"That's pretty bizarre," said St. Peter.

The second man said he was exercising on his balcony when the railing gave way and he fell over the side. Two floors down he managed to grab onto another balcony. He said he thought he was saved until some maniac came out and started hammering on his fingers. He lost his grip and tumbled towards the ground, but fortunately a tree broke his fall. He was about to thank God for saving him when suddenly a refrigerator fell from the balcony. It knocked him from the tree and continued to the ground where it landed on him, killing him instantly.

"That's even more bizarre," said St. Peter.

The third man says, "Picture this... I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."


---------------------------------------------------------------


It seems women got PMS even in biblical times. I heard that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!


----------------------------------------------------------------


Jesus dies and goes to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father. He has never met the man before and is curious to see what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know, either. He asks John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" And John does not know.

So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?

"Tell me of your son, old man," Jesus says.

The old man replies, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hands where the nails used to be..."

"Father!!" screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!" yells the old man.

A young boy is walking down the road and an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch calls out to him "Boy whatcha got there?"

The boy says "I got me some duct tape."

The old man- "whatcha gonna do with that?"

Boy- "I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

Man- "There aint no way your gonna catch any ducks with that there duct tape."

The little boy just keeps walking. A while later he walks back by the old man with a whole bunch of ducks wrapped up in the tape. The old man just shakes his head in disbelief.

The next day the little boy comes walking by again.

Old Man-"Boy whatcha got there?"

The boy says "I got me some Chicken Wire."

Old man- "whatcha gonna do with that?"

Boy- "I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

Man- "There aint no way your gonna catch any chickens with that there chicken wire."

The little boy just keeps walking. A while later he walks back by the old man with a whole bunch of chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire. The old man just shakes his head in disbelief.

The next day the boy walks by and the old man asks "Whatcha got today boy?"

Boy-"I got me some Pu ssywillows."

"WELL HANG ON LET ME GRAB MY HAT!!" says the old man.

(I probably posted that on here before. It's one of my favorites, but the previous joke reminded me of it again.)

*Subject:* Lawyer

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client (Wright) who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonig ht.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his
legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

> THE DONKEY STORY worth reading to the end...........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a dry
> well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
> the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>
> Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
> well needed to be covered up anyway;
>
>
>
> it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
>
> He invited all his neighbors to come over and
> help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
> to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
> donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
>
>
>
> Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
>
> A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
> looked down the well. He was astonished at what
> he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
> back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
> He would shake it off and take a step up
>
> As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
> dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
> off and take a step up.
>
> Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
> stepped up over the edge of the well and
> happily trotted off!
>
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
> of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
> is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
> our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
> of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
> never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
>
> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>
> Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
>
> Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
>
> Live simply and appreciate what you have
>
>
>
> Give more.
>
> Expect less
>
>
>
>
>
> NOW .............
>
>
>
>
> Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
>
>
>
> and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
>
>
>
> The gash from the bite got infected and
>
>
>
> the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
>
>
>
>
>
> MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
>
> When you do something wrong, and try to cover
> your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

The  Pope Meets Sarah Palin


Sarah  Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing
in  Venice.


The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private  meeting, hoping
they will only have to give her minimal press coverage, if any.


The Pope asks  Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the
canals of  Venice.


They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues  when, all of a
sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and  out into the
water.


The gondolier starts to reach for the  Pontiff's cap with his pole, but
this move threatens to overturn the  floating craft.


Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, "Wait,  wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."


She steps off the  gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to
the Pope's hat,  bends over and picks it up. Then she walks back across the
water to the  gondola and steps aboard.


She hands the hat to the Pope amid his  stunned silence.


The next morning the topic of conversation among  Democrats in Congress,
CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York  Times, Hollywood
celebrities, and all over France and Germany  is:


"Palin Can't Swim."