> Holy  Prostitutes
>            
> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he   notices
> a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:  SISTERS OF ST.
> FRANCIS - HOUSE OF  PROSTITUTION -  10 MILES
>  
> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on withouta
> second thought.... but, soon he sees another sign which reads:
>  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS -  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
>
>  Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and
> drives  past  a third sign saying:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
>  
> His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive. On
> the  far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
> next to the door  reading:  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>  
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
> rather striking looking nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
> we do for you, my son?"He answers, "I saw your signs along the
> highway, and I was interested in  possibly doing business.....""Very
> well, my son. Please,follow me."He is led through many
> winding passages, and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a
> closed door, and she tells the man as she walks away, "Please knock on
> this door."
>  
> He does so, and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
> the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, and then
> go through the large wooden doorway at the end of the hallway."
>  He excitedly places $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall
> and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks,
> and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
> GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

NOT A JOKE BUT INTERESTING READING:[

A fantastic way to live



Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old


To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their  journey
is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is
up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no  for
an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did
or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."


Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%.

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

Little Johnny does it again and..........I just love this little tyke..........



A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.....Not really knowing what an Obama fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except, of course, Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different... again?



Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'



The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'



Johnny said, 'Because I'm a conservative.'



The teacher asked why he's a conservative. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, My mom's a conservative and my dad's a conservative, so I'm a conservative too.'



The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that

make you?'



With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

LOL,,

That one is a little too close to home. LOLOL

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they do not like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless its a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

-  

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


 

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'


 

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


 

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.


 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


 

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on..

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.




So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else..

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'


 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at th e University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too darn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Good one Ian!!!!!

A French doctor says my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another and have him looking to work in six weeks.

A German doctor says that is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says in my country medicine is so advanced that we can take a half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them  both looking for work in two weeks.

An American doctor nothing to be out done says You guys are way behind. We recently took a black guy [censored the original version] with no brains out of Illinois put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work!