George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes, the
Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars; so Putin writes
him a check for a million dollars.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
finishes, the Devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars; so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he
finishes, the Devil informs him that there would be no charge for the
call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic! He asks the Devil why Bush got
to call the USA free.

The Devil replies, "Since Obama became President of the USA, the country
has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

No nativity this Christmas in D.C.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
United States' Capital this Christmas season.  This isn't for any
religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was NO problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Well, there's good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations…. Good news is that I truly out did myself this year.  The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55-year-old lady who grabbed the 75-pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove their cars into my yard.




<a href="http://s150.photobucket.com/albums/s116/fmxyzrider125/?action=view&current=ATT22..." target="_blank"><img src="http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s116/fmxyzrider125/ATT22094431.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

formercrewguy wrote on 12/15/09 at 9:11am:


LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little Ricky was being uncharacteristically quiet and
so she asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's
really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for
money.'The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Ricky aside to ask him,'Is
that really true about your father?' 'No,' said Ricky, 'He plays for the Dallas
Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!    

This is so funny......remind me never to electrify any kind of
fence.....
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without
cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of nuts lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences
... but Dad always had those piece of nuts chargers made by
International or whoever that were like
9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die ...
Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting
for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.

Ummm Yup......

I guess you have heard....  Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas .....  He claims every time he gets up on stage, behind the podium, to make a speech, some darn Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

This one is to all the illegals this Christmas....



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhm0zRykHCY

What is the name of the dead Mexican laying with his burro at the bottom of the Grand Canyon?



















































Juan Knievel

Not ment to be racist, but dang it was funny.

Duane

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it  makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20 .00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it  dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

And how old are you to remember that?!   I kid, I kid. Good one Ol' School!