EVERYDAY TOOLS



>SNAP-RING PLIER: A special plier used to propel snap-rings from the
>part you are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider inhabited
>recesses of the garage .
>
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
>and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted
>vintage car (or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked in the
>corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
>hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
>say, 'Oh sh--....'
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
>holes until you die of old age.
>
>SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>blood blisters.
>
>CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of
>pliers.
>
>BELT SANDER An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>dismal your future becomes.
>
>VISE-GRIPS: Generally used to snap off bolt heads after they have been
>completely rounded off by pliers. If nothing else is available, they
>can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
>hand.
>
>WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
>conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable
>objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
>wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
>TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
>after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
>firmly under the bumper.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
>off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any
>known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
>possible future use.
>
>BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
>cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
>the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
>outside edge.
>
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
>of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
>opposite the handle.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
>or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
>your shirt . It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
>Phillips screw heads.
>
>STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
>convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, which can then
>be extracted with pliers and ultimately have the screw head snapped off
>with vise-grips..
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
>adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping
>cartons delivered to your front door . Works particularly well on the
>contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records,
>caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles,
>collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the
>knife or anyone standing next to that person.
>
>DAMMIT TOOL: Any tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
>yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
>next tool that you will need.

Today's word is...................Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he  visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion  related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the president  if he would like to  lead
the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our  illustrious president asked
the class for an example of a  'tragedy.'
 
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best  friend, who lives on  a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs  over him and kills  him,
that would be a tragedy.'
'No,'  said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised  her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff,  killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid  not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call  great
loss.'
The room went silent. No other children  volunteered. Obama searched  the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can  give me an example of a  tragedy?'

Finally at the back of  the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: 'If  the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was  struck
by a 'friendly fire'  missile and blown to smithereens that  would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can  you tell me why  that
would be a tragedy?'

'Well,'  says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss...... and you can bet your black ass it's  probably
not an accident  either.

Old but still funny!!
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became

Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
Come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
Second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
Behind her picked her up easily by the waist
And placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
Would-be Samaritan
And yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
But after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'  

PSALM 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.




I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
  But I wish I was a dog .....
And Obama was a tree.

DEATH OF THE OLD COW
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car
comes to a stop.

Nancy Pelosi, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get
out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it was old..

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy .

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of Single-Malt Scotch, the wife gave me a Great meal and the daughter made
Fantastic love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy
Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

LOL    Ya beat me to it Don!!!    Duane

Just keeping you in the loop for proper word choice, always looking out for
precision communication . . .



Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore






HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '  


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'  


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'  


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a  


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'  


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'  


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE  

POLITICALLY CORRECT:  


1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'  


2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'  


3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'  


4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'  


5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)  


6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'


SORRY GUYS & GALS WAS ON A ROLL TODAY, GOT LOT OF GOOD STUFF TO SHARE, AND I GUESS I GOT CARRIED AWAY, HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND...Don

benstrans wrote on 02/21/10 at 8:55pm:

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
     I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make..
    I found the number and dialed it.
   A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
    I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.       I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
   When I tracked down Robyn's correct numberto call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposedthe last two digits.
    After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an not a very nice person!'
And hung up.
    I wrote his number downwith the word 'not a very nice person' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
     Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an not a very nice person!'
   It always cheered me up.
    When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic 'not a very nice person'
calling would have to stop.
    So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with ourCaller ID Program?'
       He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
    I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an not a very nice person!'
And hung up.
   One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
   Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spotI had patiently waited for.
    I hit the horn and yelledthat I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
    I noticed a 'For  Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
    A couple of days later,
right after calling the first not a very nice person
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW not a very nice person, too.
   I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
     He said,
'Yes, it is.'
    I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
   He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style houseAnd the car's parked right out in front.'
    I asked,
'What's your name?'
   He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
       I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
    He said,
'I'm home every evening after five..'
   I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
   He said,
'Yes?'
    I said,
'Don, you're an not a very nice person!'
    Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
     Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
   Then I came up with an idea...
    I called not a very nice person #1.
   He said,
'Hello'
   I said,
'You're an not a very nice person!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
   He asked,
'Are you still there?'       I said,
'Yeah!'
    He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
    I said,
'Make me.'
     He asked,
'Who are you?'
   I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
  He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
     I said,
'not a very nice person, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
     He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
     I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, not a very nice person,'
and hung up.
   Then I called not a very nice person #2.
    He said,
'Hello?'
    I said,
'Hello, not a very nice person,'
    He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
    I said,
'You'll what?'
    He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
    I answered,
'Well, not a very nice person, here's your chance..
I'm coming over right now.'
   Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd , in  Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.
     Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in  Fairfax .       I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..
   I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
     NOW I feel much better.
   Anger management really does work.

mudslinger47 wrote on 02/22/10 at 9:09pm:


Thanks Duane!! I'm going to borrow this one.