Hi all!

Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages..

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

if "pro" is the opposite of "con", is progress the opposite of congress?

A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem.""My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.""I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."The man says, "You have a deal Doc."Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, "What happened"?The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

Two Middle East mothers are  sitting in a cafe  chatting  over a plate of
tabouli  and a  pint of goat's milk..

The older of  the two
pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through  photos.
They  start reminiscing.

'This is my  oldest son, Mujibar.
 He would have been 24 years old   now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the  other
mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though—  the  mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the  other.


'And this is my second son,  Khalid.
He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember  him,' says the  other happily,
'he had such curly hair when  he was born.'

'He's a martyr too' says the mother   quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the  other.

'And this is my third  son.   My baby.
My beautiful Ahmed.  He would have been 18',
she  whispers.

Yes' says the friend  enthusiastically,
'I remember when he first started school'

'He's a martyr also,' says the   mother,
with tears in her eyes.

After  a  pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks  wistfully at  the photographs and,
searching for the right  words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't  they?’



 

Theory Of Intelligence

I've never heard the concept explained any better than this.........



"Well you see, Norm, it's like this .. ... . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This Natural Selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. "

I took my biology exam today and failed.  
I was asked to name something commonly found in cells.
Apparently Blacks & Mexicans is not the right answer.

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

We were out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, Sara and I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest.  He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car.  I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.











We had to walk back to the dealership..........................

A married couple was celebrating their 60 anniversary. One man asked him "man you guys look so happy together, how did you make so long" the husband started to explain "well, our first year anniversary we went horse back riding. My wife's horse was not in really good shape. We rode for about a mile and the horse tripped and fell. My wife said "1", we helped the poor horse up and continue on our journey, further down the road the horse fell again. My wife looked at me and shook her head. She helped the horse up and said "2". We continued. As we were going down the mountain the horse lost it's balance and fell. My wife got up off the ground and shot the horse in the head. I looked at her and yelled, "Oh my goodness!!! What the is wrong with you???!!!! She looked at me and said "1".

A mother is
> driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
>
>
> ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
>
>
> 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the
> mother replied.
> 'It's not polite.'
>
> 'OK', the
> little girl says,
>
>
> 'How much do you weigh?'
>
>
> 'Now really,' the mother says,
>
>
> 'those are personal questions and are
> really none of your business.'
>
> Undaunted, the little girl
> asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
>
> 'That's enough
> questions, young lady! Honestly!'
>
> The exasperated mother
> walks away as the two friends begin to play.
>
> ' My Mom won't
> tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
>
>
> 'Well,' says the friend,
>
>
> 'all you need to do is look at her
> driver's license.
>
>
> It's like a report card, it has
> everything on it.'
>
> Later that night the little girl says to
> her mother,
>
>
> 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
>
>
> The mother is surprised and asks,
>
>
> 'How did you find that out?
>
>
> 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
>
>
> The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
> 'How
> in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
>
> 'And,' the little
> girl says triumphantly,
>
>
> 'I know why you and daddy got a
> divorce.'
>
> 'Oh
> really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
>
>
>
>
>
>> 'Because
> you got an F in sex.'