From Larry the Cable Guy



“Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart.  I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.  Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a darn genius”.

Here in Winton we just call that a regular Thursday

THE OUTHOUSE POEM *
>> (*note:  If you don't know what an OutHouse is - ask someone a little older)
>>
>> The service station trade was slow
>> The owner sat around,
>> With sharpened knife and cedar stick
>> Piled shavings on the ground.
>>
>> No modern facilities had they,
>> The log across the rill
>> Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
>> That sat against the hill.
>>
>> "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
>> The owner leaning back,
>> Said not a word but whittled on,
>> And nodded toward the shack.
>>
>> With quickened step she entered there
>> But only stayed a minute,
>> Until she screamed, just like a snake
>> Or spider might be in it.
>>
>> With startled look and beet red face
>> She bounded through the door,
>> And headed quickly for the car
>> Just like three gals before.
>>
>> She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
>> The owner gave a shout,
>> As her silk stockings, down at her knees
>> Caught on a sassafras sprout.
>>
>> She tripped and fell - got up, and then
>> In obvious disgust,
>> Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
>> And faded in the dust.
>>
>> Of course we all desired to know
>> What made the gals all do
>> The things they did, and then we found
>> The whittling owner knew.
>>
>> A speaking system he'd devised
>> To make the thing complete,
>> He tied a speaker on the wall
>> Beneath the toilet seat.


>>
>> He'd wait until the gals got set
>> And then the devilish tike,
>> Would stop his whittling long enough,
>> To speak into the mike.
>>
>> And as she sat, a voice below
>> Struck terror, fright and fear,
>> "Will you please use the other hole,
>> We're painting under here!"
 

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All
the Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some
pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Pennsylvania ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Pennsylvania ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a
 taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
 "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
 The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everyone!





Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.  



Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A.   A different bar.  



Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A.  Sum Ting Wong .  



Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A.     A speech impediment.    





Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?

A.     Because they're not going to work in the future either.  



Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?

A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.  



Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.  



Q  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A.    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'  



Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A.   A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'  

     A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this nuts.'





Q..   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A.      Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


******************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gasoline station.

And then the fight started...


******************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
__________________

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
>
>
> The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
>
>
> Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
> productive salesmanship.
>
>
> Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
> said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
> spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
>
>
> "Very good," said the teacher.
>
>
> Little Jenny was next:
>
>
> "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
> that magazines would keep them up on current events."
>
>
> "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
>
>
> Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).
>
>
> The teacher held her breath ...
>
>
> Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
> of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
>
>
> "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
>
>
> "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
>
>
> "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
> tooth brushes to make that much money?"
>
>
> "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
> Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
>
>
> They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog nuts!"
>
>
> Then I would say,"It is dog nuts. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
>
>
> "I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for
> free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your
> mouth."
>
>
>
>
>

LOL,,, yep some good reasons there,,lol

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a
figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've
had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten
years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Old Timer Sex
     
     This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
     
     The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
     
     Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
     
     OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
     
     Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
     
     A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
     
     The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
     
     The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
     
     Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
     
     Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
     
     
     The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
     
     
     After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
     
     
     So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
     
     Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'