86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
     
     
     Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.</ B>
     
       

     
     Dear Sir:
     
     I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
     By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it..
     
     I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
     
     You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
     
     My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
     I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
     
     From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
     
     My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
     
     Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
     
     Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee to complete.
     
     I am sorry it runs to eig ht pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
     
     Please note that all copies of his or her medical history  must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
     
     In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
     
     I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.
     
     As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
     
     Let me level the playing field even further.
     
     
     When you call me, press buttons as follows:
     
     IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
     
     #1. To make an appointment to see me
     
     #2. To query a missing payment.
     
     #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
       
     
     #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
     
     #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
     
     #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
     
     #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required.
     
          Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
     
     #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

     
     
     #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
     
                   The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my au tomated answering service.
     
     #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
     
            While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
     
     Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
     
     May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year?
     
     
     Your Humble Client
     
     And remember: Don't make old People mad.
     
     We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to tick us off.

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians  try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.  

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'




Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene  commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

Have you ever had sex while camping ?


































 









It's in Tents !

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY.  SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TOHERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'  SHE WEN T OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY.'  THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN,   SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'  THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.  FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.  WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.  SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'  BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.  ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY  THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.  IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY.'

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted

     from privates to sergeants.  Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and

     Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
     
     "But we's privates," protests Jasper.
     
     "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
     "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
     
     "But we's privates," says Jasper.
     
     You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.
     "We's sergeants now."
     
     So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
     
     "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad
     case of  gonorrhea."
     
     Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the
     dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay
     sign."
     
     So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay
     sign.
     
     Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case
     of gonorrhea.
     
     "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
     
     "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the
     privates."  He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
     

THE GOLF ROBOT

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."



The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies.  If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."



The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."



The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.



The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir I believe this green will break right to left."



Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.  He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there.  His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.  Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"  The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."



A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."  The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem.  However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."



"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."  The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"



The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did.  Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro-shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar for a drink. I was out shopping all day with some friends, so I thought he was upset at the fact that i was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so i suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. he agreed, but he didnt say much. I asked him what was wrong; He daid, 'Nothing. 'I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cant explain his behavior. I dont know why he didnt say, 'I love you too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. about 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. i dont know what to do. im slamost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




HIS DIARY:

RACECAR WOULDNT START TODAY, CANT FIGURE IT OUT. BUT, AT LEAST I GOT LAID.

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle

> Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette,
> Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a
> lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help,
> and the Mexicans ask him for a ride.
>
> He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000
> bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can
> manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back
> into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their
> bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.
>
> By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure
> enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
>
> The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the
> driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."
>
> The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
> look in the trailer.
>
> She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on
> her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
> possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she
> has that require so many officers.
>
> "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it.
> Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle."

The Economy is Picking Up




       A friend of mine just started his own business,

       manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats.

      It’s doing well.

      He says Prophets are going through the roof.



Complements of Mike from Fast

SCATALOGICALLY

My dirty mind read this scatalogically.

All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,
"I outlived the bitches."