So One day this Penguins Car Breaks Down.

Thats right a penguin.

His car breaks down and he takes it to the local auto repair shop. The repair man tells the penguin that it will take a little while so he may as well come back in about a half ...hour.

So, the penguin waddles across the street to the local ice cream parlor.
He sits down with a bowl of vanilla ice cream, and since a penguin does not have hands, he leans over the bowl, and sticks his head in the bowl & begins slurping up the ice cream.

** 1/2 hour later **

He waddles back to the body shop, and the repair man looks at him and says....

"Well............... ... it looks ................... it looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin quickly responds, " No, no, it's just ice cream!!"

Two older women were making lunch together, and the topic of cosmetic surgery came up.



The first woman said, "I have to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, really? Well, I'm thinking of having my a s s hole bleached!"

"That's crazy!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're
blind, That you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.....'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.


The ball hit one of the men.  


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.  


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.




At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.




She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get
stopped a second time, they make you use them.



Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A. The Dallas Cowboys



Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".



Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal post.



Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?

A. Old



Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.



Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A. Nobody remembers.  



Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!




Thanks Don!!!

Duane

Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press 1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.


FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Champ, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an  elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
intensive care, because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
a poodle's butt  and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time
in the world to think of crazy things to say.

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug. breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

I  am passing this on to you because it definitely  works, and we could all use a little more  calmness in our lives. By following simple  advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can  find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way  to achieve inner peace is to finish all the  things you have started and have never  finished."

So, I looked around my house  to see all the things I started and hadn't  finished, and before leaving the house this  morning, I finished off a bottle of White  Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a  package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac  prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some  Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half  bottle of  scotch.

You  have no idea how freaking good I feel right  now.
Pass this on to those whom you think  might be in need of inner  peace.  

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards".  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".  Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel.  By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian.  What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike.  "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.  "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the Voice..

"I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ..."