Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends - that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: The chicken crossed the road because it needed exercise! We don't want any girlie-man chickens in Kalifornia!  

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues. 'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'

Mexican Earthquake >> A big earthquake with the strength of>� 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.>> Two million Mexicans have died and over>> a million are injured. The� country is totally ruined> and the government doesn't know where to start>> and is asking for help to rebuild.>> The rest of the world is in shock.>> Canada is sending troopers to help the> Mexican army control the riots.>> Saudi Arabia is sending oil.>> Other Latin American countries> are sending supplies.>> The European community (except France )> is sending food and money.>> The United States , not to be outdone,> is sending two million Mexicans to>> replace the dead ones.>> God bless America!!!!>>> A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong > enough to>>> take everything you have. � � � Thomas Jefferson

mudslinger47 wrote on 11/13/08 at 8:15pm:




NOW THAT WAS GOOD STUFF RIGHT THERE!!!!!!

OBAMA IS BAFFLED BY LETTER FROM OSAMA

"After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still avile." Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden ahen elected."

So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

-----------370H-SSV-0773H------------

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean.

Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden.

Joe Biden could not solve it either, so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.

Eventually after not being able to solve it, they took it to John McCain and his staff to look at it.

And within a few minutes McCains's staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:

"Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down!"

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas .  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law  License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained
to this ugly man!'

The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
but
oneday St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

but I stepped on a
duck

Better than a Flu Shot!




The church organist,


Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness


And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister

Noticed a   cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

If you don't send this

To five GOOD friends

Right away

There will be

Five fewer people

Smiling in the world .
CJ
Of all the blessing the Lord sends us......
Friendship must be His favorite........

I took my dad to the mall the other  day to buy some new
shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food  court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager  had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and  find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he  sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in  your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good
one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once,  and had sex with a peacock. I was
just wondering if you were my  son.'

The Parrot

       An upstanding young man named Philip received a parrot as a
gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the parrot's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
Philip tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music, not watching any bad movies in the
bird's presence, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.

       Finally, Philip was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot.  The
parrot yelled back.  Philip shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder. Philip, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and
put him in the freezer!

       For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.   Then, suddenly, there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard  for
over a minute.  Poor Philip, fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, quickly
opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto Philip's
outstretched arms and said:  "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude
and unforgivable behavior."

       Philip was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  He
was about to ask the parrot what had led to such a dramatic change in his
behavior when the bird continued:




       "May I ask what the turkey did?" .........

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.  Drive careful, be safe, and EAT PLENTY !!!

A blonde is showing  off her new  tattoo of a giant seashell on her  inner   thigh .
Her friends ask her  why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.  

She responds,     "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."