RETIRED
> HUSBAND >
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
> her trips to Target. >
>
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> preferred to get in
> and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
> women - she loves to
> browse.
>
>
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
> the local Target:
>
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
>
>
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
> commotion in our
> store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
> forced to ban both of you
> from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
> Harris, are listed
> below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
>
>
>
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
> them in other people's
> carts when they weren't looking.
>
>
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go
> off at 5-minute
>
> intervals.
>
>
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
> leading to the women's
> restroom.
>
>
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
> official voice, 'Code 3
> in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
> employee to leave her
> assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
> Supervisor that in turn
> resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
> time and costing
> the company money.
>
>
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
> bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
>
>
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
> a carpeted area.
>
>
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
> told the children
> shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
> pillows and blankets from the
> bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
>
>
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
> began crying and
> screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
> alone?' EMTs were called.
>
>
>
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
> used it as a mirror
> while he picked his nose.
>
>
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
> department, he asked the
> clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
>
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
> loudly humming the '
>  Mission Impossible' theme.
>
>
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
> 'Madonna look' by using
> different sizes of funnels.
>
>
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
> browsed through, yelled
> 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
>
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
> speaker, he assumed a
> fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
> VOICES AGAIN!'
>
>
>
> And last, but not least:
>
>
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
> waited awhile, then
> yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper
> in here.' One of the clerks
> passed out.
>
>
>
>

>>I was eating lunch last Sunday with my 10-year-old nephew when his mom
>>asked him "What is tomorrow?"
>>
>>He said "It's President's Day."
>>
>>She asked "What does that mean?"
>>
>>I was waiting for something profound...
>>
>>He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the
>>                 White House, and if he sees his shadow we have
>>                 2 more years of unemployment."
>>
>>You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.

I got a kick out the supposed adware's search of 68j's comment..."Left Search" on deportation. How Ironic...or is that coincidence?

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,  "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,












"Hi Keith

Subject: 2013



2013

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer
President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."





In God We Trust




--

NEVER AGAIN WILL ONE GENERATION OF VETERANS ABANDON ANOTHER!!!



SEMPER FIDELIS

Obama Angry with  Texas  :

Says he'll never come back to Texas and will do all he can to convince us to secede!

Here's  why...

THEY  SAY THIS HAPPENED IN San Antonio!!!
Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas ....  He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a  speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding  on him.



     God  Bless San  Antonio!
     God  Bless  Texas!
     God, I  Love Texas!

Jus sayin------------------

Lee Trevino - a true story
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino,
a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas,
Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in
front of his house, lowered the window and asked,
"Excuse me, do you speak English ?"
Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do"
The lady then asked,
"What do you charge to do yard work ?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

Some day America will wake the hell up, and SLAM the door on these idiots.  Hopefully we don't give our country away before than, and then TAX the rest of the survivors to DEATH

Guts and  Balls

Just  thought you'd like to know..
Medical distinction between Guts and  Balls.
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the
difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are  the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both will result in death.

Boy! Ain't this the truth!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas?
- No television?
- No nude women!?!
- No football?
- No pork chops?
- No hot dogs?
- No burgers?
- No beer!?!
- No bacon?
- Rags for clothes?
- Towels for hats?
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?
- More than one wife?
- More than one mother in law!?!
- You can't shave?
- Your wife can't shave?
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?
- You wipe your arse with your hand?
- You cook over burning camel nuts?
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you?
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey??
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh@@ Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.