Hogracer and wooliebuger... those were the funniest jokes I've heard in a long time.   Thanks.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a
sign on top of their car which said: 

Two Prostitutes - $50.00. 

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled,
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

 
 
 
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

A man drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OLDER SMARTER GENERATION

Amen to that brother, also heard another report that Obama said they found faults, and its called blame it on the Bush's Fault!!!...

 
 

 




 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
 

 

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the heck happened to Walter?"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if  we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him...

New Mexico Chili Cookoff  

If you can read this whole  story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.  I was  crying by the end.  This is an actual account???? As relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly! If you pay attention to the first two judges, The reaction of the third judge is even better!!

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .  

Frank:  Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last  moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,  asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came  in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,so I accepted and became Judge #3.  Here are the scorecard notes from the event:  

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC  MONSTER CHILI
Judge #  1 -- A little too heavy on  the tomato.  Amusing kick.  
Judge #  2 -- Nice,  smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.  
Judge # 3  (Frank) --  Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint  from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S  AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #  1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.  
Judge #  2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.  
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of  the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give  me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.  

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S  FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #  1 -- Excellent firehouse  chili.  Great kick.  
Judge #  2 -- A bit  salty, good use of peppers.  
Judge #  3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by  now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded  me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.  

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S  BLACK MAGIC
Judge #  1 -- Black bean chili with almost  no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge #  2 -- Hint of  lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.  
Judge #  3 -- I felt  something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste  it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300  lb. woman is starting to look HOT .....  Just like this  nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?  

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S  LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #  1 -- Meaty, strong  chili..  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable  kick.  Very impressive.
Judge #  2 -- Chili  using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #  3 -- My ears  are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer  focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed  paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her  that her chili had given me brain damage..  Sally saved my  tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the  pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.   Screw them.  

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S  VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #  1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian  variety chili.  Good balance of spices & peppers.  
Judge #  2 -- The best  yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.   Superb.  
Judge #  3 -- My  intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it  will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand  behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.   I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.  

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S  SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #  1 -- A mediocre chili with  too much reliance on canned peppers.  
Judge #  2 -- Ho hum,  tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at  the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about  Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is  cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #  3 -- You could  put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili,  which slid unnoticed out of my mouth..  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll  know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.   It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen  anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch  hole in my stomach.  

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S  TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #  1 -- The perfect ending, this  is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to  declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry  is a good, balanced chili..  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry  to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,  fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not  sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd  have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

Adam was hanging around the
Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him,
"What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam
a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you, and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask
you to get up in the middle of the night
to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied,
"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked,
"What can I get for a rib?"

And thus history was forever altered.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting,  "I’ve heard enough of your stupid-ass blonde jokes!  What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
”You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little not a very nice person on your knee!"

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"