Home | Help | Search | Login | Register

Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register 07/25/24 at 4:52am


SATURDAY NIGHT RACER
Saturday Night RacerSaturday Night RacerSNR LOUNGE › Joke of the Day


Pages: 1 ... 34 35 36 
Joke of the Day (Read 428973 times)
Veighty8
LMR Rookie
*
Offline

Dirt Late Models
Rule!

Posts: 63

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #770 - 06/09/15 at 2:07pm
 



Subject: FW: Bill Clinton was driving .....

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.
He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie, "as a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me", Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life, maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.
"But I'm actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary", he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Hillary isn't good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "darn man, let's go have another look at that dog."
Back to top
 
 
  IP Logged
Veighty8
LMR Rookie
*
Offline

Dirt Late Models
Rule!

Posts: 63

Drunk test
Reply #771 - 06/29/15 at 10:28pm
 
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my tushy to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Back to top
 
 
  IP Logged
formercrewguy
LMR God
*****
Offline

The shrub brothers
are punks

Posts: 4293
Arizona
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #772 - 07/07/15 at 6:51pm
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Back to top
 
 

"99% of Muslims aren't terrorists, but 99% of terrorists are Muslim"
  IP Logged
Veighty8
LMR Rookie
*
Offline

Dirt Late Models
Rule!

Posts: 63

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #773 - 09/04/15 at 8:30pm
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Back to top
 
 
  IP Logged
mudslinger47
LMR God
*****
Offline

Well crap stuck with
the dickweed for
four more

Posts: 8389

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #774 - 10/13/15 at 6:15pm
 
From VEIGHTY:
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.) He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.


He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?" Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?"

      Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota.
Back to top
 
 

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, I JUST DON'T HAVE THE ABILITY!!
  IP Logged
Veighty8
LMR Rookie
*
Offline

Dirt Late Models
Rule!

Posts: 63

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #775 - 10/31/15 at 12:13pm
 

Once upon a time there  was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal  weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.
 The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming
days So the king went fishing.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
 Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your  Majesty, you should return to
the palace at once because in  just a short time I expect a huge amount of
rain to fall in  this area".
The king was polite and  considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard.
 He is an extensively educated  and experienced professional.
I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.
 I trust him and I will continue on my way."
 However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and  Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 Furious, the king  returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
professional.
 Then he summoned the farmer and offered him  the prestigious and high
paying role of royal > forecaster.
 The farmer said,  "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
 I obtain my information from my donkey. If I  see my donkey's ears
drooping, it means with certainty  that it will rain."
So the king hired the  donkey.
Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to run the government and
occupy its highest and most influential positions.
 And the practice is unbroken to this  date!

Back to top
 
 
  IP Logged
Veighty8
LMR Rookie
*
Offline

Dirt Late Models
Rule!

Posts: 63

Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #776 - 02/02/16 at 10:03am
 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed..
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store
he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."

Back to top
 
 
  IP Logged
Pages: 1 ... 34 35 36 





Saturday Night Racer » Powered by YaBB 2.2.3!
YaBB © 2000-2008. All Rights Reserved.